[ROCK MUSIC]
♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> John: WELCOME,
WELCOME, WELCOME
TO "LAST WEEK TONIGHT."
I'M JOHN OLIVER.
THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR JOINING US.
AND WE BARELY HAVE TIME FOR EVEN
A LIGHTNING-QUICK RECAP OF THE
WEEK, WHICH SAW EVERYTHING
FROM REPUBLICANS CONTINUING
TO ROLL OUT THEIR TAX REFORM
PLAN WITH ALL THE GRACE
OF A HORSE FALLING DOWN
A SPIRAL STAIRCASE
TO "THE NEW YORK TIMES"
REPORTING LOUIS CK'S GROSS
SEXUAL MISCONDUCT,
CONDUCT WHICH IS COMPLETELY
INDEFENSIBLE AND WHICH
INEVITABLY RESULTED IN THE
CANCELLATION OF HIS NEW FILM,
"EXHIBIT A IF THIS EVER
GOES TO TRIAL."
AS FOR THE PRESIDENT, HE'S BEEN
OVERSEAS ALL WEEK, WHICH
SHOULD'VE BEEN RELAXING FOR THE
REST OF US, UNTIL THIS HAPPENED
LAST NIGHT.
>> MOMENTS AGO, PRESIDENT TRUMP
OPENLY MOCKED THE LEADER OF
NORTH KOREA.
HE WROTE "WHY WOULD KIM JONG UN
INSULT ME BY CALLING ME OLD
WHEN I WOULD NEVER CALL HIM
SHORT AND FAT?"
>> John: THIS WOULD BE THE
STUPIDEST POSSIBLE REASON
FOR ALL OF US TO DIE.
I'M SERIOUS.
IF THE ENTIRE COUNTRY
SIMULTANEOUSLY TRIPPED WHILE
PUTTING ON ITS UNDERWEAR,
AND FELL FACE-FORWARD INTO THE
TOILET, GOT STUCK AND DROWNED,
IT WOULD BE CONSIDERABLY LESS
STUPID THAN IF THIS TWEET
CAUSED A NUCLEAR APOCALYPSE.
BUT RATHER THAN FOCUS ON THE
EVENTS OF THIS WEEK, AS THIS IS
OUR LAST SHOW OF THE SEASON,
WE THOUGHT WE'D ACTUALLY TAKE
A BROADER LOOK AT THE TOPIC THAT
HAS DOMINATED THE PAST YEAR:
THE PRESIDENCY OF DONALD TRUMP.
THE MAN VOTED "LEAST EDIBLE"
BY CANNIBAL MAGAZINE SIX YEARS
IN ROW.
AND I KNOW THE PROSPECT
OF TALKING ABOUT TRUMP YET AGAIN
FEELS EXHAUSTING.
WE'RE ALL SO TIRED OF HIM.
EVERY ROOM IN AMERICA SHOULD
HAVE A SIGN ON THE WALL THAT
COUNTS THE NUMBER OF MINUTES
IT'S BEEN SINCE SOMEONE
BROUGHT UP HIS FUCKING NAME.
BUT THAT'S THE THING.
TRUMP'S PRESIDENCY IS LIKE
ONE OF HIS HANDSHAKES.
IT PULLS YOU IN WHETHER YOU
LIKE IT OR NOT.
HE'S HAD SO MANY TERRIBLE
MOMENTS THIS YEAR, YOU FORGET
ABOUT SOME OF THEM.
REMEMBER WHEN HE CREEPILY TOLD
THE FRENCH PRESIDENT'S
WIFE SHE WAS IN GOOD SHAPE?
OR WHEN HIS TACKY GOLF RESORT
WAS TOUTED ON THE STATE
DEPARTMENT WEBSITE?
OR WHEN HE SHOVED THE PRIME
MINISTER OF MONTENEGRO OUT OF
THE WAY AT A NATO EVENT?
LOOK HOW PROUD OF HIMSELF HE IS!
YOU SHOULD AT LEAST HAVE TO KNOW
THAT MONTENEGRO IS A COUNTRY
BEFORE MAKING A MOVE THAT SAYS,
"SUCK IT, MONTENEGRO!"
AND THERE WERE ALSO QUIETER
BUT NO LESS ALARMING MOMENTS,
LIKE WHEN HE EXPLAINED HOW HARD
HE'S BEEN FIGHTING TO BRING
"CLEAN COAL" BACK WITHOUT
APPEARING TO UNDERSTAND
WHAT THAT ACTUALLY IS.
>> IT'S JUST BEEN ANNOUNCED
THAT A SECOND, BRAND-NEW COAL
MINE WHERE THEY'RE GOING TO TAKE
OUT CLEAN COAL, MEANING THEY ARE
TAKING OUT COAL.
THEY ARE GONNA CLEAN IT.
IS OPENING IN THE STATE
OF PENNSYLVANIA.
>> John: LISTEN.
IS IT POSSIBLE THAT DONALD TRUMP
IS WELL-VERSED IN AND IS
REFERRING TO FLUE-GAS
DESULFURIZATION, FLUIDIZED-BED
COMBUSTION, AND SELECTIVE
CATALYTIC REDUCTION?
SURE.
IT'S POSSIBLE.
BUT LET'S AGREE IT'S
CONSIDERABLY MORE LIKELY THAT HE
THINKS YOU JUST TAKE A BUNCH OF
COAL AND SCRUB-A-DUB-DUB IT
WITH A BIG OLD SPONGE.
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
I'M SAYING THE PRESIDENT
FUNDAMENTALLY DOESN'T UNDERSTAND
WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?
WE GOT HIM!
I DIDN'T GET HIM?
I THOUGHT WE GOT HIM.
YOU DON'T THINK I HATE MYSELF
TOO?
ALL RIGHT.
THE POINT IS, TONIGHT,
LET'S PULL BACK FROM THE DAILY
TRUMP-INDUCED CHAOS AND TAKE
A LOOK AT THE NORMS
HIS PRESIDENCY HAS VIOLATED.
AND NOT THE OBVIOUS ONES, LIKE
THE FACT HE NEVER RELEASED HIS
TAX RETURNS OR THAT HIS OWN
DAUGHTER AND SON-IN-LAW WORK
IN THE WHITE HOUSE, ALTHOUGH
ADMITTEDLY, I AM USING THE WORD
"WORK" SO GENEROUSLY THAT I
SHOULD BE ABLE TO DEDUCT IT AS A
CHARITABLE DONATION ON MY TAXES.
OR THAT INSTEAD OF PUTTING HIS
ASSETS INTO A BLIND TRUST
TO HELP REDUCE CONFLICTS OF
INTEREST, HE SIMPLY SHOWED
AMERICA THAT HE HAS MANY LARGE
STACKS OF PAPER PRESUMABLY
CONTAINING THE SENTENCE
"I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M GETTING
AWAY WITH THIS"
PRINTED 750,000 TIMES.
NO, INSTEAD, WE'RE GOING TO TALK
ABOUT TRUMP'S ASSAULT ON
SOMETHING EVEN MORE BASIC.
THE NORMS GOVERNING HOW OUR
LEADERS ENGAGE WITH US AND HOW
IN TURN THAT AFFECTS THE WAY
THAT WE ENGAGE WITH ONE ANOTHER.
IT'S WHY EVEN THE NOTION OF
"GETTING HIM" CAN FEEL
SO HOPELESSLY FUTILE.
AND LET'S FIRST STIPULATE IT
DEFINITELY DOESN'T HELP THAT,
SO OFTEN, WHAT TRUMP SAYS
IS COMPLETE NONSENSE.
WE OFTEN READ TRANSCRIPTS OF
TRUMP'S SPEECHES, AND IT'S
SOMETHING THAT EVERYONE SHOULD
ACTUALLY DO ONCE IN A WHILE.
BECAUSE WHEN YOU STRIP AWAY HIS
BLINDLY CONFIDENT, ENTERTAINING
DELIVERY AND JUST READ HIS
WORDS, IT IS STAGGERING HOW
INCOHERENT HE IS.
HERE'S A WORD-FOR-WORD READING
OF A SPEECH WHERE HE TALKED
ABOUT THE IRAN NUCLEAR DEAL.
>> YOU LOOK AT THE NUCLEAR DEAL,
THE THING THAT REALLY
BOTHERS ME --
IT WOULD HAVE BEEN SO EASY,
AND IT'S NOT AS IMPORTANT
AS THESE LIVES ARE.
NUCLEAR IS SO POWERFUL.
MY UNCLE EXPLAINED THAT TO ME
MANY, MANY YEARS AGO, THE POWER
AND THAT WAS 35 YEARS AGO.
HE WOULD EXPLAIN THE POWER OF
WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN AND HE
WAS RIGHT, WHO WOULD HAVE
THOUGHT?
BUT WHEN YOU LOOK AT WHAT'S
GOING ON WITH THE FOUR
PRISONERS,
NOW IT USED TO BE THREE,
NOW IT'S FOUR.
BUT WHEN IT WAS THREE AND EVEN
NOW, I WOULD HAVE SAID IT'S ALL
IN THE MESSENGER.
FELLAS, AND IT IS FELLAS
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, THEY DON'T,
THEY HAVEN'T FIGURED THAT THE
WOMEN ARE SMARTER RIGHT NOW THAN
THE MEN, SO, YOU KNOW, IT'S
GONNA TAKE THEM ABOUT ANOTHER
150 YEARS.
BUT THE PERSIANS ARE GREAT
NEGOTIATORS.
THE IRANIANS ARE GREAT
NEGOTIATORS, SO -- AND THEY,
THEY JUST KILLED --
THEY JUST KILLED US.
>> John: HOLY SHIT.
THAT IS NOT A FUNCTIONAL USE OF
LANGUAGE.
THAT IS A DRUNK DRIVER CRASHING
A PICKUP TRUCK FULL OF
ALPHABET SOUP.
TRUMP'S ACTUAL SPEECH PATTERNS
SOUND LIKE WHEN YOU WRITE A LONG
TEXT BY CHOOSING ONLY
THE PREDICTIVE TEXT YOUR
iPHONE SUGGESTS FOR YOU.
SERIOUSLY.
WE WROTE A MESSAGE LIKE THAT,
STARTING WITH THE WORDS
"THE NUCLEAR," AND HERE'S
WHAT WE GOT.
>> THE NUCLEAR TEST PROGRAM WAS
NOT OPPOSED BY THE OTHER PERSON
WHO KNOWS WHAT THEY WANT AND
THEN THE DELAY IS NOT BEING DONE
BY ANY OTHER COUNTRY AND THAT IS
NOT THE ONLY WAY TO MAKE SURE
THE WORLD CAN DO MORE THINGS
AND THINGS LIKE THAT
AND GENTLEMEN AND THEN THE OTHER
PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN TOLD TO
LEAVE THEM ALONE WITH THEIR
CHILDREN WHO ARE ALSO VERY SAD.
>> John: THAT MAKES EXACTLY
AS MUCH, AND POTENTIALLY MORE
SENSE, THAN TRUMP'S SPEECH
ABOUT THE IRAN NUCLEAR DEAL.
MEANING AN iPHONE WOULD BE
A MORE COHERENT PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES.
BUT WITH TRUMP, WE'RE FAMILIAR
ENOUGH WITH HIS SPEECH PATTERNS
THAT YOU GET THE BASIC GIST
OF WHAT HE'S TRYING TO SAY.
THE REAL DAMAGE ISN'T IN HOW HE
SAYS THINGS, BUT FROM THREE KEY
TECHNIQUES HE USES TO INSULATE
HIMSELF FROM CRITICISM
AND CONSEQUENCE.
AND IF WE'RE NOT EXTREMELY
CAREFUL, ALL THREE COULD HAVE
SERIOUS IMPACTS
THAT FAR OUTLAST HIS PRESIDENCY.
AND LET'S START
WITH THE FIRST ONE.
DELEGITIMIZING THE MEDIA.
TRUMP'S BEEN ATTACKING THE PRESS
SINCE HE DECLARED HIS CANDIDACY,
AND IN A BROADER SENSE,
HE'S BEEN WAGING WAR ON THE
VERY CONCEPT OF TRUTH EVER SINCE
HE FIRST TURNED TO HIS MOM
AND SAID "DA-DA," AND SHE SAID,
"NO, I'M MAMA," AND HE SAID,
"FAKE NEWS!"
AND SHIT HIS PANTS.
NOW, THE DIFFERENCE NOW IS, HE'S
CRYING FAKE NEWS AS PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES, AND HE'S
OPENLY PROUD OF IT TO THE POINT
THAT HE RECENTLY TRIED TO TAKE
OWNERSHIP OF THE TERM ITSELF.
>> THE MEDIA IS, IS REALLY
THE WORD, I THINK ONE OF THE
GREATEST OF ALL TERMS
I'VE COME UP WITH IS "FAKE."
I GUESS OTHER PEOPLE HAVE USED
IT, PERHAPS, OVER THE YEARS,
BUT I'VE NEVER NOTICED IT.
>> John: HE JUST TOOK CREDIT FOR
INVENTING THE TERM "FAKE NEWS,"
WHICH, FOR THE RECORD,
HE DIDN'T.
MEANING WHAT HE JUST SAID,
WAS FAKE "FAKE NEWS" NEWS.
AND YOU COULD IMAGINE HIM
SAYING, "WELL, I'M NOT THE FIRST
POLITICIAN TO CRITICIZE
THE PRESS.
WHAT ABOUT HILLARY CLINTON?
WHAT ABOUT BARACK OBAMA?
WHAT ABOUT BERNIE SANDERS?"
AND THAT ACTUALLY BRINGS US
TO TRUMP'S SECOND TECHNIQUE,
SOMETHING CALLED
"WHATABOUTISM?"
IT'S THE PRACTICE OF CHANGING
THE SUBJECT TO SOMEONE ELSE'S
PERCEIVED WRONGDOING.
TRUMP DOES IT ALL THE TIME,
MOST FAMOUSLY WHEN HE WAS ASKED
WHY HE HADN'T FORCEFULLY
CONDEMNED THE NEO-NAZIS
IN CHARLOTTESVILLE, AND THIS WAS
HIS RESPONSE.
>> WHAT ABOUT THE ALT-LEFT THAT
CAME CHARGING AT THE, AS YOU SAY
THE ALT-RIGHT?
DO THEY HAVE ANY SEMBLANCE
OF GUILT?
WHAT ABOUT THE FACT THAT THEY
CAME CHARGING, THAT THEY CAME
CHARGING WITH CLUBS IN THEIR
HANDS, SWINGING CLUBS?
DO THEY HAVE ANY PROBLEM?
>> John: WELL, ACTUALLY, NO.
BECAUSE A NAZI KILLING SOMEONE
WITH A CAR IS SO HEINOUS
YOU CAN BE WEARING
CROCS WITH SOCKS, BUT YOU'RE
USING THOSE SOCKED CROCS
TO KICK NAZIS IN THE BALLS,
THIS TECHNIQUE OF SAYING
"WHAT ABOUT?" IS ACTUALLY
AN OLD SOVIET PROPAGANDA TOOL,
AND THE REASON IT'S DANGEROUS
IS BECAUSE IT IMPLIES THAT ALL
ACTIONS, REGARDLESS OF CONTEXT,
SHARE A MORAL EQUIVALENCY,
AND SINCE NOBODY'S PERFECT,
ALL CRITICISM IS HYPOCRITICAL
AND EVERYBODY SHOULD DO WHATEVER
THEY WANT.
IT'S A DEPRESSINGLY
EFFECTIVE TOOL, WHICH IS WHY,
ON TRUMP'S FAVORITE NETWORK,
YOU HEAR IT ALL THE TIME.
>> THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA FOCUSED
ON THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN --
AND ALLEGATIONS
OF COLLUSIONS WITH THE RUSSIANS.
WHAT ABOUT THE DEMOCRAT'S
POSSIBLE TIES TO MOSCOW?
>> FORMER NATIONAL SECURITY
ADVISOR, GENERAL MICHAEL FLYNN
INVESTIGATED FOR PRIVATE MEETING
WITH RUSSIA, WHAT ABOUT HILLARY
CLINTON?
>> THE MEDIA WANTS TO CALL INTO
QUESTION THE CREDIBILITY
AND THE TRUSTWORTHINESS
OF THIS ADMINISTRATION.
BUT WHAT ABOUT BENGHAZI?
WHAT ABOUT THE BLATANT LIES THAT
THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION
TOLD US?
WHAT ABOUT THE BLATANT LIES
WHAT ABOUT THE FACT THAT
BEN RHODES BRAG ABOUT LYING TO
THE MEDIA ABOUT THE IRAN DEAL?
WHAT ABOUT THE FACT THAT
JONATHAN GRUBER BASICALLY SAID
THE AMERICAN PEOPLE WERE STUPID?
>> John: OKAY, STOP, STOP.
BECAUSE HERE'S THE THING.
NONE OF THE ERRORS THOSE PEOPLE
MAY HAVE MADE IN THE PAST EXCUSE
THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION'S
ACTIONS.
A DEFENSE ATTORNEY COULDN'T
STAND UP IN COURT AND SAY:
"MAYBE MY CLIENT DID MURDER
THOSE PEOPLE.
BUT I ASK YOU WHAT ABOUT
JEFFREY DAHMER?
WHAT ABOUT AL CAPONE?
WHAT ABOUT THE GUY FROM
'THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS'?
I REST MY CASE."
I REST MY CASE.
THE PROBLEM WITH WHATABOUTISM
IS, IT DOESN'T ACTUALLY SOLVE
A PROBLEM OR WIN AN ARGUMENT.
THE POINT IS JUST TO MUDDY
THE WATERS,
WHICH CAN MAKE THE OTHER SIDE
MAD.
AND THAT ACTUALLY BRINGS US
TO TRUMP'S THIRD TECHNIQUE:
TROLLING.
NOW, TROLLING ITSELF HAS BEEN
AROUND FOR YEARS.
IT'S BASICALLY 80% OF WHAT
HAPPENS ON THE INTERNET.
IT'S WHEN A YOUTUBE COMMENTER
SAYS SOMETHING WILLFULLY
PROVOCATIVE, LIKE SAYING
"I'VE AGED LIKE AN APPLE CORE
IN A DUMPSTER," OR THAT I
"LOOK LIKE A FUCKING PICKLE
WITH GLASSES."
NOW, IT DOESN'T MATTER WHETHER
THEY MEAN ANY OF THAT.
THE POINT IS JUST TO GET
A REACTION AND HURT MY FEELINGS,
WHICH BY THE WAY,
IT ABSOLUTELY DOES.
BUT TRUMP MAY WELL BE
THE FIRST-EVER TROLL TO BE
ELECTED PRESIDENT.
THAT'S RIGHT, I SAID "ELECTED."
REMEMBER, 10TH PRESIDENT
SPRINKLES FUZZWIZARD
ASSUMED OFFICE AFTER WILLIAM
HENRY HARRISON DIED.
AND IF YOU'RE THINKING, HOLD ON.
SPRINKLES FUZZWIZARD
WAS NOT AMERICA'S
10TH PRESIDENT.
REALLY?
WHO WAS AMERICA'S
10TH PRESIDENT?
EXACTLY.
LET'S ASSUME I'M RIGHT.
THE POINT IS, AS A TROLL,
TRUMP OFTEN DOES THINGS THAT
HAVE NO EFFECT OTHER THAN TO
PISS OFF HIS PERCEIVED ENEMIES.
LIKE WHEN HE TWEETED THIS
WRESTLING GIF OF HIMSELF
BODY-SLAMMING CNN OR ATTACKED
MIKA BRZEZINSKI BY SAYING
SHE WAS BLEEDING BADLY
FROM A FACE LIFT OR,
AS WE'VE MENTIONED, CALLED
A LEADER WITH NUCLEAR WEAPONS
SHORT AND FAT.
AND TRUMP EVEN ONCE RETWEETED
A CLAIM THAT HE WAS THE
THE MOST SUPERIOR TROLL ON THE
WHOLE OF TWITTER, CALLING IT
"A GREAT COMPLIMENT!"
WHICH IT ISN'T.
BECAUSE SOMETIMES WHEN YOU DO
SOMETHING THAT MAKES A LOT OF
PEOPLE MAD, IT'S BECAUSE --
AND BEAR WITH ME HERE --
YOU'RE A DICK.
IF YOU SNEAK INTO SOMEONE'S
HOUSE AND URINATE IN EVERY
HEATING VENT AND THEY GET MAD
AT YOU, YOU ARE NOT AN EPIC
TROLL STICKING IT
TO THE SNOWFLAKE CUCKS.
YOU'RE JUST SOME FUCKING
ASSHOLE.
BUT THE THING IS, TRUMP'S
TROLLING IS NOT WITHOUT
POLITICAL VALUE.
DESPITE TRUMP'S FEW REAL POLICY
ACCOMPLISHMENTS TO DATE, HE HAS
CONSISTENTLY ACHIEVED ONE THING:
MAKING HIS ENEMIES UNHAPPY.
AND FOR MANY SUPPORTERS,
THAT ITSELF COUNTS AS A MAJOR
VICTORY.
JUST LISTEN TO HOW
"FOX AND FRIENDS" REACTED AFTER
TRUMP FREAKED PEOPLE OUT BY
STANDING WITH MILITARY LEADERS
DURING RISING TENSIONS WITH
NORTH KOREA AND SUGGESTING IT
WAS THE "CALM BEFORE THE STORM."
>> I THINK HE IS TROLLING
THE MEDIA.
>> I THINK HE IS TOTALLY
TROLLING THE MEDIA THERE.
EVEN THE SMILE
AND THE WINK?
>> THOSE OF US THAT ARE SICK OF
THE STATUS QUO, THE FORGOTTEN
MEN AND WOMEN WHO VOTED FOR
PRESIDENT TRUMP, WANT THAT TOWN
TO FREAK OUT.
I WANT THOSE REPORTERS GOING
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?"
IT'S BEAUTIFUL TO WATCH.
>> John: IS IT?
WHY?
I'M GENUINELY SERIOUS.
WHO BENEFITS FROM MASS CONFUSION
ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT WE'RE ABOUT
TO GO TO WAR?
ARE THERE THOUSANDS OF
UNEMPLOYED FACTORY WORKERS
ACROSS THE MIDWEST GOING,
"WELL, THE PLANT CLOSED DOWN
AND I LOST MY HEALTH CARE, BUT
SOMEWHERE A "WASHINGTON POST"
REPORTER IS SCARED OF DYING,
SO THINGS ARE LOOKING UP.
MAGA!"
JUDGING YOUR POLITICAL SUCCESS
ON HOW BAD YOU MAKE OTHER PEOPLE
FEEL MAKES ABOUT AS MUCH SENSE
AS JUDGING YOUR SUCCESS
AS A ZOOKEEPER BY HOW MANY BEARS
YOU FUCK.
"OH, WOW.
THAT IS NOT YOUR JOB!
I MEAN, I GUESS IT'S IMPRESSIVE
IN ITS OWN WAY, BUT IT'S
DEFINITELY NOT WHAT YOU'RE
SUPPOSED TO BE DOING."
AND THE SUREST PROOF OF TROLLING
OFTEN COMES WHEN A TROLL
IS CONFRONTED.
BECAUSE THAT'S WHEN THEY HAVE TO
PUT UP OR SHUT UP.
YOU MAY'VE HEARD ABOUT CASES
WHERE PEOPLE TRACKED DOWN THE
SOURCE OF SOMETHING AWFUL THAT
WAS POSTED ONLINE, ONLY TO FIND
SOME SULLEN 15-YEAR-OLD WHO JUST
SHRUGS AND GOES, "I DUNNO WHY
I WROTE THAT.
I JUST DID IT.
STOP ASKING ME SO MANY
QUESTIONS."
WELL, THAT IS BASICALLY
OUR PRESIDENT NOW.
I'LL SHOW YOU.
REMEMBER WHEN TRUMP SAID
PRESIDENT OBAMA HAD SURVEILLED
HIM IN TRUMP TOWER, TWEETING,
"HOW LOW HAS PRESIDENT OBAMA
GONE TO TAP-P-P MY PHONES"?
WATCH WHAT HAPPENED WHEN HE WAS
ASKED TO JUSTIFY THAT.
>> WELL, YOU SAW WHAT HAPPENED
WITH SURVEILLANCE.
AND I THINK THAT WAS
INAPPROPRIATE, BUT THAT'S
THE WAY --
>> WHAT DOES THAT MEAN, SIR?
>> YOU CAN FIGURE THAT OUT
YOURSELF.
>> WELL, I -- THE REASON I ASK
IS YOU SAID HE WAS --
YOU CALLED HIM "SICK AND BAD."
>> LOOK, YOU CAN FIGURE IT OUT
YOURSELF.
HE WAS VERY NICE TO ME WITH
WORDS, BUT -- AND WHEN I WAS
WITH HIM -- BUT AFTER THAT,
THERE HAS BEEN NO RELATIONSHIP.
>> BUT YOU STAND BY THAT CLAIM
ABOUT HIM?
>> I DON'T STAND BY ANYTHING.
I JUST -- YOU CAN TAKE IT
THE WAY YOU WANT.
>> John: OKAY, SO LET'S WALK
THROUGH THAT.
ON THE INTERNET, HE CLAIMED THAT
THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED
STATES COMMITTED AN EXTREMELY
SERIOUS CRIME.
BUT IN PERSON, HE'S SUDDENLY
BACKING DOWN, FIRST SAYING
OBAMA WAS "VERY NICE TO HIM WITH
WORDS."
THEN THAT "I DON'T STAND
BY ANYTHING."
WHICH IS ONE OF THE MOST
FRIGHTENINGLY NIHILISTIC
SENTENCES A PRESIDENT CAN SAY.
I'D RATHER HEAR THAT FROM
A CLOWN HOLDING A KNIFE
THAN A PRESIDENT, BECAUSE
AT LEAST WHEN THE CLOWN SAYS
"I DON'T STAND BY ANYTHING,"
YOU THINK, "YEAH.
THAT KIND OF MAKES SENSE."
PLEASE MAKE IT QUICK.
AND IT GETS WORSE, BECAUSE THE
INTERVIEW KEPT GOING, AND TRUMP
WAS EXPLICITLY GIVEN THE OPTION
TO SET THE RECORD STRAIGHT FOR
THE "FAKE NEWS" MEDIA, BUT HE
FLAT-OUT REFUSED.
>> I JUST WANTED TO FIND OUT,
THOUGH.
YOU'RE -- YOU'RE THE PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES.
YOU SAID HE WAS "SICK AND BAD"
BECAUSE HE HAD TAPPED YOU --
>> YOU CAN TAKE -- ANY WAY.
YOU CAN TAKE IT ANY WAY
YOU WANT.
>> BUT I'M ASKING YOU.
BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT IT
TO BE --
>> YOU DON'T HAVE TO --
ASK ME.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO ASK ME.
>> WHY NOT?
>> BECAUSE I HAVE MY OWN
OPINIONS.
YOU CAN HAVE YOUR OWN OPINIONS.
>> BUT I WANT TO KNOW
YOUR OPINIONS.
YOU'RE THE PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES.
>> OKAY, IT'S ENOUGH.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
>> John: OKAY, SO THERE IS
A LOT THAT IS INFURIATING ABOUT
THAT CLIP, BUT TRUMP GOING BACK
TO HIS DESK AND PRETENDING TO
WORK HARD IS AN OBJECTIVELY
FUNNY THING TO DO.
THAT'S LIKE YOUR DOG
AVOIDING QUESTIONS BY PRETENDING
TO DO HIS TAXES.
YOU NEVER DO THIS!
WHY WOULD YOU NEED TO DO IT NOW?
AND WHILE THERE'S NOTHING NEW
ABOUT ANY OF THESE
TECHNIQUES, THEY'RE NOW COMING
OUT OF THE OVAL OFFICE,
WHICH NOT ONLY LEGITIMIZES THEM,
IT RISKS THEM SPREADING.
AND THAT, SADLY, IS HAPPENING.
LAST MONTH, CONGRESSMAN
PAUL GOSAR USED ALL THREE
TECHNIQUES.
FIRST, HE SUGGESTED
IN AN INTERVIEW THAT THE MARCH
IN CHARLOTTESVILLE MAY HAVE BEEN
A FALSE FLAG OPERATION
CREATED BY THE LEFT, WHICH IS
PRETTY TROLL-Y.
AND WHEN CONFRONTED, HE DEPLOYED
THE OTHER TWO TOOLS.
>> IT'S BEEN DEBUNKED.
>> IT'S NOT BEEN DEBUNKED.
ABSOLUTELY NOT DEBUNKED
WHATSOEVER.
SO STAY TUNED.
>> THE CONSPIRACY THEORY THAT
YOU PUT HAVE PUT OUT THERE
HAS BEEN DEBUNKED.
>> IT HAS NOT BEEN DEBUNKED.
LOOK AT WHAT CNN HAS TALKED
ABOUT WITH WHAT'S GOING ON
WITH THE CLINTON ADMINISTRATION
RIGHT NOW WITH THE DOSSIER.
HARDLY AN ASPECT IN REGARDS
TO DEBUNKED.
YOU'RE NOT REAL NEWS.
YOU'RE FAKE NEWS.
>> SIR, EVERYTHING YOU'VE SAID
HAS BEEN DEBUNKED.
WHY ARE YOU CONTINUING TO
PUT THIS OUT THERE?
>> FAKE NEWS.
FAKE NEWS.
>> John: SO HE'S BASICALLY JUST
COPYING TRUMP.
AND IF THERE'S ONE THING WORSE
THAN SOMETHING TERRIBLE,
IT'S A COVER BAND OF THAT
TERRIBLE THING.
IF TRUMP IS NICKELBACK,
THAT MAN IS BICKLENACK.
NOT AS GOOD AT IT AS THE
ORIGINAL AND A HORRIBLE SIGN
THAT THE DISEASE IS SPREADING.
THE PROBLEM IS, IF THAT BECOMES
THE LEVEL OF DISCOURSE, WE ARE
SERIOUSLY AND LASTINGLY FUCKED.
AND JUST THIS WEEK, WE SAW SOME
OF THESE TECHNIQUES PUSHED
TO THE LIMIT BY THE SCANDAL
INVOLVING ALABAMA SENATE
CANDIDATE ROY MOORE, WHO HAS
DENIED ALLEGATIONS OF SEXUAL
MISCONDUCT WITH A 14-YEAR-OLD
WHEN HE WAS 32 AND CALLED THEM
"FAKE NEWS."
AND WATCH SEAN HANNITY THEN USE
WHATABOUTISM TO DERAIL
A DISCUSSION ABOUT IT.
>> THIS 14-YEAR-OLD GIRL
PURPORTEDLY, ACCORDING TO
"THE WASHINGTON POST," TOLD TWO
OF HER GIRLFRIENDS WHAT HAPPENED
IN REAL TIME.
>> HERE'S A TOUGH QUESTION.
DO YOU THINK BILL CLINTON,
IN RETROSPECT, WAS A PREDATOR?
>> John: BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT
THIS DISCUSSION IS ABOUT.
YOU MIGHT AS WELL HAVE SAID
"HERE'S A TOUGH QUESTION:
IF YOU HAD TO GUESS,
HOW MANY LOBSTERS ARE THERE?
LIKE, TOTAL.
IN THE WORLD."
IS THAT WORTH DISCUSSING?
SURE!
BUT FIRST LET'S FINISH TALKING
ABOUT THE SENATE CANDIDATE
WHO MAY'VE MADE SEXUAL ADVANCES
ON A CHILD.
AND LOOK, WHETHER CLINTON
ENGAGED IN PREDATORY BEHAVIOR
IS A LEGITIMATE QUESTION,
BUT IT SHOULDN'T REALLY INFORM
WHAT WE DO ABOUT ROY MOORE.
AND EVEN IF YOU BELIEVE
DEMOCRATS ARE GUILTY OF A DOUBLE
STANDARD, THE SOLUTION ISN'T
TO HAVE NO STANDARD WHATSOEVER.
THIS IS WHY IT'S IMPORTANT TO
TRAIN OURSELVES TO IDENTIFY
THESE TECHNIQUES, BECAUSE THEIR
NATURAL ENDPOINT IS THE EROSION
OF OUR ABILITY TO DECIDE WHAT'S
IMPORTANT, HAVE AN HONEST DEBATE
AND HOLD ONE ANOTHER
ACCOUNTABLE.
AND THAT EROSION CAN BE GRADUAL
THAT IT'S HARD TO SPOT.
IT'S LIKE BEING MURDERED
BY A SLOTH.
IT HAPPENS VERY SLOWLY,
AND YOU MIGHT NOT NOTICE
UNTIL IT'S TOO LATE.
LISTEN, THIS IS ALL BLEAK.
I CAN'T PRETEND THAT IT ISN'T,
WHICH IS WHY IT'S IMPORTANT
TO TAKE SOME HOPE FROM
THIS YEAR'S SMALL VICTORIES.
LIKE THE MUSLIM BAN BEING
BLOCKED BY THE COURTS
AFTER MASSIVE PUBLIC PROTESTS.
OR THE ATTEMPTS TO REPEAL
OBAMACARE STALLING,
THANKS IN PART TO PEOPLE
PRESSURING THEIR LAWMAKERS.
AND JUST THIS WEEK, IN VIRGINIA,
VOTERS REJECTED ED GILLESPIE
FOR GOVERNOR AFTER HE RAN
A TRUMP-STYLE DOG-WHISTLE
CAMPAIGN,
THAT IS ENCOURAGING.
IT'S NICE TO KNOW THAT IF YOU
USE TRUMP'S TACTICS IN A
VIRGINIA GUBERNATORIAL ELECTION,
YOU DO NOT GET TO BE GUBERNATOR.
FURTHER DOWN THE BALLOT THERE,
TUESDAY ALSO MARKED THE DEFEAT
OF BOB MARSHALL, WHO EARLIER
THIS YEAR PROPOSED A SO-CALLED
BATHROOM BILL.
HE LOST TO DANICA ROEM, WHO WILL
NOW BE VIRGINIA'S FIRST
OPENLY TRANSGENDER LEGISLATOR.
AND THE TONE SHE'S TAKEN
IS ALREADY MARKEDLY DIFFERENT.
>> DANICA, YOU WERE RUNNING
AGAINST ROBERT MARSHALL,
AN INCUMBENT, 13-TERM INCUMBENT.
HE'S ALSO A MAN WHO REFERRED
TO HIMSELF AS VIRGINIA'S CHIEF
HOMOPHOBE.
HE REFUSED TO DEBATE YOU
DURING THE CAMPAIGN.
DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING YOU WANT TO
SAY TO HIM?
>> COME JANUARY, DELEGATE
MARSHALL WILL BE ONE OF
MY CONSTITUENTS.
AND I'M NOT GONNA DISRESPECT
MY OWN CONSTITUENTS.
>> John: WOW.
THAT IS INCREDIBLY REFRESHING.
JUST THINK ABOUT THAT.
SHE BEAT A MAN WHO OPENLY
DISRESPECTED HER, BUT GIVEN THE
OPPORTUNITY, SHE CHOSE NOT
TO RESPOND BY TWEETING
"I'LL FIGHT FOR BOB'S RIGHT
TO USE ANY BATHROOM HE WANTS,
BUT IT'S TOO LATE.
HE ALREADY SHIT THE BED
ON ELECTION DAY.
SAD!"
AND LOOK, TUESDAY'S RESULTS
SHOULD NOT MAKE YOU COMPLACENT.
THEY ARE NO GUARANTEE THAT THE
MIDTERMS WILL TURN OUT WELL.
THAT'S WHY YOU SHOULD TAKE THESE
MOMENTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT TO HELP
YOU KEEP GOING.
BECAUSE THE TRUMP PRESIDENCY
IS BASICALLY A MARATHON.
IT'S PAINFUL, POINTLESS, AND THE
MAJORITY OF YOU DIDN'T EVEN
AGREE TO RUN IT.
YOU WERE JUST SIGNED UP
BY YOUR DUMBEST FRIEND.
AND THE FACT IS, WE'RE NOT EVEN
AT MILE 6 RIGHT NOW OR POSSIBLY
EVEN MILE 3, SO THERE IS
A LONG WAY TO GO.
AND THOUGH YOU'RE EXHAUSTED
AND YOUR WHOLE BODY IS SCREAMING
FOR YOU TO GIVE UP AND YOUR
NIPPLES ARE CHAFING FOR SOME
REASON, THE STAKES ARE TOO HIGH
FOR ANY OF US TO STOP.
AND I DO REALIZE THAT I'M SAYING
THAT AS WE'RE ABOUT TO STOP
DOING SHOWS FOR THE YEAR.
BUT HERE'S THE THING.
WE WON'T BE GOING AWAY ENTIRELY.
YOU MAY REMEMBER EARLIER THIS
YEAR, WE USED OUR
CATHETER COWBOY TO TRY AND GET
INFORMATION TO THE PRESIDENT
IN THE AD BREAKS
OF "FOX & FRIENDS."
WELL, TRUMP IS STILL WATCHING
THAT SHOW.
WE KNOW THIS BECAUSE "THE TIMES"
WROTE A GENERALLY NEGATIVE PIECE
ABOUT ITS ENORMOUS INFLUENCE
ON HIM, AND, BECAUSE OF THAT,
CALLED IT THE "MOST POWERFUL
TV SHOW IN AMERICA,"
A SENTIMENT THE HOSTS
WERE VERY EXCITED ABOUT.
>> THIS PROGRAM, THE PROGRAM
YOU'RE WATCHING, IS, ACCORDING
TO "THE NEW YORK TIMES,"
THE MOST POWERFUL TV SHOW
IN AMERICA.
>> DO YOU KNOW WHY, STEVE?
BECAUSE WE HAVE THE BEST
VIEWERS.
>> YES.
>> John: NO.
NO, YOU DON'T.
YOU ABSOLUTELY DON'T.
DON'T MISUNDERSTAND.
AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT WE HAVE
THE BEST VIEWERS.
NO, I'M NOT SAYING THAT.
YOU GUYS ARE FINE.
THE BEST AUDIENCE BELONGS TO
"ELLEN," BECAUSE THIS IS HOW
THEY GREET HER.
>> HERE SHE IS NOW,
ELLEN DeGENERES.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> John: NONE OF YOU FUCKERS
DID THAT WHEN I CAME OUT.
NONE OF YOU DID IT.
BUT THE POINT IS, JUST
45 MINUTES AFTER THAT
INFORMATION WAS ON FOX,
TRUMP TWEETED, "WOW.
THE FAILING 'NEW YORK TIMES'
SAID ABOUT 'FOX & FRIENDS,'
THE MOST POWERFUL TV SHOW
IN AMERICA."
SO INFORMATION GOES RIGHT FROM
THAT SHOW INTO HIS BRAIN,
WHICH IS TERRIBLE.
BECAUSE WE'D GENUINELY BE BETTER
OFF IF TRUMP WAS GETTING DAILY
BRIEFINGS FROM AN ACTUAL FOX
AND HIS FRIENDS, A HEDGEHOG
AND A WEASEL WITH ITS HEAD STUCK
IN A TIN CAN.
BUT IF TRUMP'S GOING TO KEEP
WATCHING THAT SHOW, WE'RE GOING
TO SPEND OUR HIATUS SNEAKING
INFORMATION THROUGH
OUR CATHETER COWBOY.
SO A NUMBER OF COMMERCIALS ARE
GOING TO BE AIRING ON FOX
NEWS OVER THE NEXT FEW MONTHS.
HERE'S THE FIRST ONE.
>> ATTENTION CATHETER PATIENTS.
>> I'M A PROFESSIONAL COWBOY.
I USE CATHETERS.
AND THERE'S TWO THINGS I KNOW.
I DON'T LIKE PAIN WHEN I CATH,
AND THE TERM "CLEAN COAL"
DOESN'T REFER TO THE PHYSICAL
ACT OF CLEANING COAL.
THAT WOULD BE IMPOSSIBLE.
COAL IS COAL.
"CLEAN COAL" IS A MARKETING TERM
THE COAL INDUSTRY CAME UP WITH
FOR STUFF LIKE CARBON CAPTURE
AND SEQUESTRATION, AN EXPENSIVE
PROCESS THAT'S SHOWN LIMITED
RESULTS, AT BEST.
ALSO FREDERICK DOUGLASS IS DEAD.
MORE TOMORROW, BYE BYE!
>> John: GOOD INFORMATION.
THAT WILL BE ON FOX IN
THE D.C. AREA LATER THIS WEEK.
AND KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR MORE OF
THEM, BECAUSE THAT COWBOY'S GOT
A BUNCH UP HIS SLEEVE.
>> THE U.S. VIRGIN ISLANDS HAS
A GOVERNOR, NOT A PRESIDENT.
HERE'S A FUN FACT.
THERE'S ACTUALLY NO FEDERAL LAW
AGAINST THIS, THANKS TO
SOMETHING CALLED
THE FIRST AMENDMENT.
JUST BECAUSE JARED KUSHNER
IS SMARTER THAN YOU DOESN'T MEAN
THAT HE'S SMART.
THE NAVY SEALS AREN'T ACTUALLY
SEALS.
I KNOW, BUDDY.
I WAS DISAPPOINTED TOO.
THERE ARE MANY NON-GOLD
DECOR SCHEMES THAT ARE ACTUALLY
VERY APPEALING.
DURING AN ECLIPSE,
DON'T DO THIS.
BUDDY, THIS CAN'T BE THAT HARD.
NAZIS BAD.
ONE FISH, TWO FISH, RED FISH,
ARM OF THE EXECUTIVE BRANCH THAT
SHOULD OPERATE FREE FROM WHITE
HOUSE INTERFERENCE SO AS TO
AVOID POLITICALLY MOTIVATED
PROSECUTION.
DONALD?
I DON'T THINK HE'S GETTING
ANY OF THIS.
THAT'S ALL FOR NOW, DONALD.
SEE YOU TOMORROW.
AND REMEMBER, IF YOU'RE NOT
ENJOYING THIS, THERE'S NO SHAME
IN QUITTING.
>> John: MOVING ON, BEFORE WE
GO, AS THIS IS OUR LAST EPISODE
OF THE YEAR, WE WANTED TO THANK
YOU SO MUCH FOR WATCHING.
WE'VE HAD A LOT OF FUN
THIS SEASON.
WE DIDN'T JUST COVER TRUMP.
WE ALSO TRANSFORMED THIS DESK
INTO A BISTRO FOR OUR PIECE
ON THE FRENCH ELECTION.
I MET THE DALAI LAMA AND GAVE
HIM A CALCULATOR WATCH.
WE INTRODUCED YOU TO THE
BOLIVIAN TRAFFIC ZEBRAS,
AND YOU USED OUR GREENSCREEN
VERSION TO PUT IT IN THINGS
FROM "MAD MAX: FURY ROAD
TO "BASIC INSTINCT"
TO ABSOLUTELY FILLING
THE WHITE HOUSE PRESS ROOM
WITH THEM.
THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR TAKING PART.
WE ALSO HAD WEIRD AL SING A SONG
ABOUT NORTH KOREA.
WE HAD PENGUINS,
WE HAD ALLIGATOR STATUES,
LOBSTER SUPREME COURT JUSTICES,
AND WE HAD 5-WAX PRESIDENTS.
WE STOLE ALEX JONES'S BUSINESS
MODEL AND SOLD MILLION-DOLLAR
TAINT WIPES WITH A BLEACH-BLOND
DOCTOR.
WE OUT-MUGGED AJIT PAI WITH
THIS GLORIOUS MONSTROSITY,
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, WE EXPOSED
THE OLSEN TWIN FOR THE FRAUD
THAT SHE IS:
ONE PERSON MOVING
VERY QUICKLY TO TRICK
THE HUMAN EYE.
WE ACTUALLY --
AND THIS IS TRUE --
INVITED "THEM" TO BE ON THE SHOW
TONIGHT TO PROVE ME WRONG.
BUT APPARENTLY, "THEY"
COULDN'T MAKE IT.
AND AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED,
THAT IS TANTAMOUNT TO AN
ADMISSION, SO I'M MAKING IT
OFFICIAL.
WE GOT HER!
THE TRUTH FEELS GREAT!
AND BEFORE WE GO, THERE'S A FEW
PEOPLE THAT WOULD LOVE TO
COME OUT AND SAY GOODBYE TO YOU.
THEY'RE ALL HERE.
THE COWBOY!
THE ZEBRA!
MR. NUTTERBUTTER!
AND DR. THROUP IS HERE WITH
AN INCREDIBLE OFFER!
>> THAT'S RIGHT, JOHN!
YOU CAN NOW GET 90% OFF
THE MOISTURE ARMORED TACTICAL
ASSAULT WIPE!
>> John: 90% OFF!
SO THAT'S JUST $100,000!
>> OH, IT'S A HELL OF A DEAL!
AND REMEMBER THEY'RE TO BE
APPLIED IN THIS AREA.
APPLY WITH VIGOR AND CONFIDENCE.
>> John: THANKS, DOCTOR!
>> PLEASE, CALL ME "DOCTOR"!
>> John: AND THE PENGUINS
ARE HERE!
THE PENGUINS ARE HERE!
THANKS SO MUCH FOR WATCHING!
THANKS TO ALL OUR STAFF.
WE'LL BE BACK IN FEBRUARY.
SEE YOU NEXT YEAR!
GOOD NIGHT!
THE PENGUINS!
♪ ♪
>> SIR, THE WORLD IS IN TROUBLE.
WE NEED YOU.
THE FATE OF HUMANITY IS AT
STAKE.
WILL YOU HELP US?
MR. PRESIDENT?
I KNEW WE COULD COUNT ON YOU.
I AM AFRAID THIS ISN'T A ONE-MAN
JOB.
WE NEED ALL OF YOU.
MR. PRESIDENT.
MR. PRESIDENT?
MR. PRESIDENT.
GENTLEMEN.
LET'S GO WAX THESE BASTARDS.